Classic holiday cartoons
Why won't Charlie Brown die? And celebrating lesser known, but great alternatives
Holiday nostalgia isn’t really a thing for me. Maybe it’ll hit me when my kids are older, but right now I just can’t match my wife’s enthusiasm for all the holiday trappings. A chunk of my grinchiness comes from the “classic” holiday cartoons that refuse to die. I disliked them as a kid. I hate them now.
Rudolph There are research papers about how shitty this story is. “They Wouldn’t Let Poor Rudolph Play in Any Reindeer Games”: Individuals on the Autism Spectrum as Social Misfits in Organisations is a great example. The lesson of Rudolph is that difference is only tolerated if it becomes economically useful.
Frosty the Snowman Sentient being melts to death, kids cry. Magician just wants his goddamn hat back.
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town Orphan overcomes authoritarian regime through capitalism.
The Year Without a Santa Clause Santa is sick of this shit, but gets guilt-tripped into going back to work.
The Little Drummer Boy Kid’s parents murdered. He’s rightfully upset. Learns to love through providing free labor.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas A boundary-respecting introvert is forcibly rehabilitated.
A Charlie Brown Christmas Mediocre child with no growth arc gets treated shitty by his shitty friends. They feel bad and sing at him.
The pattern: traumatized or marginalized characters prove their worth through service, earn conditional acceptance from the group that rejected them, everyone cries. We cargo cult this shit forward without examining whether it’s actually good.
Meanwhile:
A Garfield Christmas Garfield goes to the farm, is cynical. Genuine affection breaks through. Garfield gives Grandma a letter from her dead husband. Nobody earns anything. Nobody proves their worth. Just warmth. I don’t even like Garfield (Garfield Minus Garfield is a treat though) and I like this one.
A Claymation Christmas Celebration Anthropomorphic church bells at Notre Dame strike their own heads with mallets to perform Carol of the Bells. One keeps fucking up, loses his mallet. The conductor (Quasimodo) uses a slingshot. Dinosaur hosts argue about wassailing vs waffling. The California Raisins do Motown carols.
Pure creative joy. No trauma arc. No one has to “learn” anything to be tolerated. Just weird little bells smashing themselves in the face. Impossible to find in-full online.
These don’t get the same traction. Can’t manufacture catharsis. Nobody quotes them at holiday parties. These are the ones I want my kids to remember anyway.